Gay dating 101
It’s hard out there for a sexually active lesbo — how do you get the safe sex info you need when you’re afraid of the gyno and lesbians are ignored in sex ed? Lesbians have failed at romance long enough, it’s time you learn how to do it up right. For this guide, I’ve chosen to deal with sun signs only, as the multitude of combinations involved with moon signs and ascendants and planets is an intense commitment, to say the least.If you’re genuinely interested in your complex compatibility with someone else, think about getting a star chart done, as it will tell you multitudes more than sun sign alone.That’s right, girl guides, even succumbed to the magical thinking that affected so many of our mothers, who believed the H1Z1 virus would naturally run its course and turn our fathers back into the nurturing human beings they’d mostly been. But that doesn’t have to be you, weeping alone in a dark corner, uncomforted by the warm hug of caring friends. But the risk of limb detachment isn’t the number one reason the zombie love of your life won’t offer to hold the door for you. This might sound discouraging but take heart: Your boyzomb hasn’t thought of anything in years.You can overcome the lure of the love bubble by following one simple rule: girls before ghouls. His mind is a gloppy stew of decayed dendrites, atrophied axons and neutered neurons.
You can move him into any position you’d like without mortification.
But space-age polymers can’t get you to the top of the mountain, and neither can your zombie. If you want your sidewalk to be cleared of snow and safe for people to pass, then you might want to expend a little elbow grease yourself. I know far too well how easy it is to get caught up in the minutia of a new partner: the adorable hesitance with which he nibbles the edge of a cow brain before digging in, the sweet-acrid singe of his skin as he smells a burning candle, the slightly shameful tilt of his head when you catch him trying to eat your cat. Maybe he’ll simply decay into a mound of slushy gray mushiness.
Remember your first time getting on the chairlift or—gasp of humiliation! However, if your goal is to spread as much snow as possible on your neighbor’s walk and passing pedestrians, then your zombie boyfriend is ready, willing and able (yes, able! There are few things zombies love more than moving snow around with a shovel and they can do it with surprising dexterity. A zombie doesn’t so much clear the sidewalk as make an absolute mess of it. And while you’re keeping warm this winter, don’t forget to snuggle up with a dating adventure from my cub reporter days before I became the undead-dating experts you know and love! Tags: advice, fun, relationships, skiing, sledding, snow, winter, zombie dating, zombies Sure, you’re deep in the love bubble with your rottie hottie now, but it hasn’t always been this way. When I started my journalism career as a cub reporter (er, intern) for the the last thing I expected was to one day write the definitive how-to for meeting and dating zombies. The pleasures of a new relationship are many, even with a zombie boyfriend, and it’s easy to close yourself off in your own little love bubble. Although the love bubble feels like a reassuringly warm and lovely cocoon, it’s in fact a treacherous place to be. At that moment, you’ll look around for your friends and they won’t be there.
Once upon a time—maybe at the very beginning of the plague, maybe a dozen years in—you swore you’d never, ever date a zombie. I was just was as boy crazy as the rest of womankind—that is, crazy enough to think I’d actually meet a boy. Relationships with zombies, even the best of them, are temporary. You won’t even be able to remember when or how you lost them.
You’d have to be dead five days yourself before you’d even consider going to the movies with a decomposing corpse. Roughly 300,000 unzombified human males left on the planet and I’d somehow bump into one in line at the supermarket. Well, now you can: LOVE IN THE TIME OF ZOMBIES, my new tell-all soon to be released from Shebooks, gives all the gritty details of my transformation from zombie hater to zombie lover. Wince as I try to break into a secret government facility! Because that’s what the love bubble does—makes you oblivious to everything but your love. The obvious explanation for this imbalance is anatomical: If your zombie boyfriend were to give you a hand with the door, he might actually give you a hand.